Hiatus and return

I'm back!

Was depressed there for a while over my soon-to-be-married evil ex, but really I should just feel bad for her. Except I can't quite. Such is unfortunately how the heart works. I shouldn't love him but I still kind of do. We were a good match, although my mother thinks we were a good match because he's manipulative and knows how to ingratiate himself to people and give them what they want.

Still...

I went on the date with the doctor. It was fine, we met at a sports bar (not my kind of thing) and had a fine talk for an hour, but I just wasn't attracted to him and all. I tried, but he kept leaning in and touching my on the shoulder and he had his legs spread really wide, which I think is kind of a gross unconscious sexual aggressiveness. I kept moving my chair back. Anyway, when I went to say "thanks!" and give him a hug before getting in the taxi, I went for the side kiss, but somehow we kissed on the lips and that's when I decided I was quite sure I didn't want to go out with him again in that I wanted to get some mouth-hand sanitizer and make rub in on my lips to make sure I didn't get a cold by accident by kissing some guy I didn't want to. When you are thinking about catching a cold instead of how amazing your kiss was---that's a bad sign. So I emailed him and said that I thought we didn't have chemistry because he emailed me twice after that and I had started to feel anxious, like it was a problem I had to solve. Sometimes I worry that by being nice and polite guys think that I like them, but I think having manners doesn't mean you are interested in someone, it means you were raised properly.

Anyway, I ALSO went to a dating event and it was truly heinous, as all meat markets are. But I walked right up and introduced myself to people, otherwise I get stuck talking to guys I don't want to talk to and then am too polite to extricate myself from. So, I took matters into my own hands. And it sort-of kind-of paid off as Apple Juice and I got invited to a dinner party. We're psyched! With brits. I love british men. They are polite, have EXCELLENT social skills, and usually pretty good looking, sound fantastic when they talk, and know how to treat women. They also do not like skinny girls, which I love! Pass me that plate of pasta! One of the guys I was talking to I asked "okay, so who do you think is cute here?" and he said, "okay, follow my thumb" and he was pointing to this girl who was, by new york standards, overweight (by rest of the US standard's just a little bit overweight). He said "I think she has a really pretty face." WOW! I wonder why I don't move to Britain right now. I should point out that this dating event was also not always successful...one guy I introduced myself to said "Um, I have to go talk to my friends. Maybe I'll come back." hmm. I could have been discouraged, but why would I want to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me?

I also had a pseudo-not-date last night with an artist who looks strikingly like my evil ex, but hopefully without the predisposition toward anger. We had fun, but I don't think it will go anywhere. We'll see! More fun that my other dates recently!

how's everyone else doing out there?

Up in the Air

So the date was supposed to consist of the old cliché: dinner and a movie. In that order. However, when I showed up at the chic Thai restaurant, I got a message from J. informing me of a little switcheroo: movie, then dinner. OK, except, I was starving marvin, and was in dire need of a *little* snack. So, on my way into the cinema, I purchased a combo-deal all inclusive of: a gallon of diet coke, a tub of popcorn large enough to feed a family of ten, and a ginormous pack of Twizzlers. J does not eat popcorn, nor does he drink diet soda. Apparently, he eats only healthy things, like vegetables, meat, and protein shakes. He did agree to taste a twizzler, and we had a cute old couple moment when he held the twizzlers and I shouted "that man has my candy!" and he handed them back to me, shouting "this woman is holding my twizzler!" The couples around us chuckled in approval. The date started off well after all. Contrary to multiple warnings, the movie Up in the Air, was perfect: it shamelessly denounced a life of loneliness and social detachment and advocated marriage, children, and San Francisco. I appreciated that J. did not make any moves that may have distracted me, and let me watch the movie while scattering popcorn matter about my person like a pig in hay.

Equally as refreshing was his choice not to order me a drink at dinner. Because I almost walked into the door he was holding open for me at the restaurant, and then proceeded to knock half the silverwear off the table, he probably figured it was safer not to throw any alcohol in the mix. I am a super cheap date.

Even sans alcohol, dinner was merry. J. has a great sense of humor, which totally jives with mine. He told me of his days in Connecticut where he drove the *apparently* seriously bad-ass Dodge Charger (oooooo!). When he moved back to New York, he sold this cherished piece of machinery to a man in Queens whose claim to fame was, as it turns out, falafel pizza. This man, apprently owned a falafel pizza store. Only in New York, I say. I ordered a coconut broth soup, and apologized for biting into the scallion bits. J. said he would bite into a large clove of garlic to get even. He ordered a brown soup, which ignited a delightful conversation about the potty, and revealed my penchant for potty humor. I noted some dirty looks from the proper couple sitting near-by. Success! Though, I quickly found I was no match for J. He really got on a roll (pun not intended) and spewed a string of dirty and politically incorrect jokes, some of which I am convinced came off a laughy-taffy wrapper. "Why do Jews have big noses?" "Because air is free." Other topics of conversation included a horror film we planned on producing about Zombies looking for their eyeballs at the Eye Bank, how to hook up an HD TV without getting electrocuted, and dialectical pronounciation of the word "vitreous." J. insisted that he could see my vitreous. I was embarassed.

He walked me, like a perfect gentelman, to the Subway stop, saying he will then find his underpass. I told him to stop talking about his underpass, and he accused me of trying to get into his underpass. Cute guy. He earned that hot subway kiss. And, even better, a weekend-night date!

Depressed

So this past Thursday I met my ex (the one from right before the last one), the one who I really loved and had a kind of passionate love affair with, and who turned out to be really evil, told me he is engaged. Despite his truly despicable behavior, I really never stopped caring about him. It's hard to let people go even though you know you should. I had a few opportunities to start really dating him again after we broke up, but although my mind wanted to get back together with him, my body really didn't...it would revolt and start shaking until I stopped talking to him for a few months. And yet, despite this, I still feel positively sick over the fact that he is getting married. I guess I always thought he was too fucked up and too awful to be able to make it work with anyone and somehow I feel like I failed because he wasn't willing to make it work with me.

The back story to this is that many years ago I met M. and I fell instantly in love with him. Love at first sight. He had a girlfriend at the time, but we started hanging out. And then we started kissing. A lot. Everywhere. And I thought he was too good to be true, and we would never be together. But then he broke up with his girlfriend and we started going out and I was blissfully happy. I was also often drunk because he was drunk all the time, but I just loved being with him. He made me feel beautiful and special and I had never been more physically attracted to anyone in my life. One day I noticed that women that I didn't know were posting on his facebook account, and I asked him point blank if anything was up with any of them. He said absolutely not. And I believed him. Then, one night after we had been dating a year, we both went out and got really drunk. We went back to his place and he fell in and out of sleep on the living room chair and I sat at his desk similarly falling in and out of sleep. Then I thought I would read his notebook. I had been told that it was his writing notebook (he wants to be a writer) and that I was not allowed, but I thought...well, I want to see and he's right there 4 feet away so maybe it's okay. This is how people think when they are smashed. And so I opened it up (he kept it on the top of his desk in plain sight and I'd never looked at it). The first line of the first page said something like "I slept with S. again last night" I looked at the date and it was from 6 months ago...long after we had been together. S. was his ex who he had broken up with. I turned the pages..."Slept with Z. last night" it said. I started paging through frantically...name upon name kept popping up. I couldn't focus through my drunken haze, but I knew this wasn't right. I was trying to count names. I took the notebook into the bathroom to try to focus on it. It said things like "I hope Calliope doesn't find out...but I can't stop." The last entry of sleeping with someone was from just the weekend before and there was even one from the night before valentine's day. My heart broke.

I went into the living room and woke him up. "Have you been cheating on me?" I said.

"No. of course not. let's go to sleep," he said.

"I know you have!" I yelled." "i read this!!" I held up the notebook.

All of a sudden he went from asleep to wide awake. He picked me up by my dress and threw me to the floor. I screamed and he picked me up by my dress again and it ripped off. The bra ripped too. "you read it?!" he was yelling. He picked me up again and thew me against the wall. I slumped to the ground and started crying. He grabbed me by my hair and started trying to throw me against the wall or into the ground. "Get the fuck out my apartment!" he was screaming. He dragged me into the next room and the whole time I was screaming "please stop hurting me, please please!" finally he let go and there were chunks of hair all over me. I was sobbing. And not because I was hurt and bruised all over. Because I knew that was the end. That was the absolute end of our relationship. No matter what we would never be able to really be together because it was just over. he was a liar, a cheater, and now an abuser. no matter what, that was the final moment and that finality was devastating. there had been no warning, no slow let down, no discussion, just wham! 10 minutes. done. someone called the police. I was asked if I wanted to file a report. I didn't. I wish I had, but I hadn't had any time to process what was happening, I still wasn't even sober. We stayed together for a short while, but all I did was cry. I felt disgusted and violated but also so profoundly disappointed. So deeply sad. The one man I had ever really felt this way about and he was a perpetrator of domestic violence? someone who I could never trust? Even now it is hard to think about. I keep wishing it had never happened, that he had never cheated, that we were still passionate about each other. But he did and he did and we aren't and now he is in love with a girl 3 years younger than me who he claims to have changed for. I don't know how to feel about it, I just feel sad. 3 months ago we had gotten drunk and ended up making out but then he said he felt bad about cheating, and for some reason I just broke down because I felt like he was my great love and I had always loved him and he hadn't minded hurting me and now he suddenly minded hurting someone else? I was depressed for a week...deeply depressed. Sick depressed. I wanted to die. I stopped talking to him. Then he called me in the middle of the night from a taxi wanting to hook up...I said I was asleep. I was not. All I wanted to do was to have him come over, but my body would have revolted again. I wish I didn't still love him. I wish he were miserable.

Speed-dating part deux

Like the Naked Gun Part Deux, but not.

Sunday night K. and I headed to speed-dating, which costs $30 per person. Um or not, as one guy told me "They're always trying to get guys to sign up, so I go for free a lot." So, basically if I went enough I'd probably see the same 40 guys over and over. Fantastic. I even got assigned to sit in the same exact seat I'd sat in last time, totally by accident. All was going along like a carrousel, guys getting up and moving from woman to woman.

For those who haven't speed-dated, it is a less than horrible, but also less than enjoyable way to spend one's evening. If you want to find someone to go out with in New York, these are the kinds of activities that you have to resign yourself to. That and house parties of people you don't know. House party with people you don't know when you're 20? Awesome!! Well, if you were me and 20 the answer would be "um, okay. Sounds okay." and it would be okay. House party'o'strangers when you're in your 30s? Exhausting. It's like Liz Lemon says (paraphrased): "all the nodding, and talking, and naming of siblings, and for what? you have to have sex. I just want to skip ahead to when we've been dating ten years." I don't know about most women, but this comment struck me as genius.

~~~~waving lines, time warping us back to this past friday~~~~

when K. and I attended just such a house party in Carroll Gardens, a mere hour an a half from when I live WHEN THE TRAINS ARE WORKING, and they weren't. House party was not half bad: people were friendly, there were delicious chocolate chip cookies, there were strange vegetable kabobs with four different types of vegetables on each one, the second veggie of which was disgusting and totally unidentifiable by everyone there (except of course for the bringer of said nasty veggie kabobs, who dared not reveal him or herself). The host was cheerful and having moved from cali a mere week beforehand managed to get about 50 people to show up at his housewarming. Clearly, the man is connected, as I have lived in the big apple for 10 years and am concerned about whether 10 people will show up to my upcoming bday party. Anyhow, K. was wonderful for inviting me, and we mutually agreed that if you want to meet someone you're going to have to endure such parties and learn to navigate their very testy waters.

Host was cute, but was wearing TERRIBLE white button-down shirt with strange pattern. These things must be de rigeur on the west coast, but bespeak newcomerness. But sartorial judgments should not be passed: Wear what ye will. Hoping he might like K. as they would be a cute couple.

We got introduced to a couple of people. A girl asked if we were fellow singletons, and we nodded. She said there were a lot of single guys there (really?) including the guy that K. found attractive to her right (let's call him Dabbler). She then raised her large plastic drink cup and mouthed "he's a player". Thank you for the warning, good Miss. I wish more people would tell me these things. Although...back in 2000 I was warned by Midtown Girl that a guy was a player, but NO, I went right out with him. Bad move. This time, I'm listening.

Dabbler, who mentioned that he is interested in getting a phd "or something" asked if he could guess our professions. For me, true story, he says: "You're not an actress, I can tell that. Hmm, you turn the letters for a game show." Great, I'm vanna white (who, as an aside, has not aged in 20 years, it's freaky). As for K? "Congressional aide." What's this man going off of? hair color.

He walks away.

Cut to: K and I standing in the doorway. I want to be a wing-girl for her, but I can stand it no longer and confess "I'm exhausted." "Thank goodness!" she says, let's get out of here. We cab it back to our boroughs.

~~~~~~~wavy lines, back to the near past and original story....speed-dating~~~~~

In speed-dating, for those who don't know, you get a name tag and you have to write down each person's name in a booklet so you can remember them. I dutifully write down each person's name as he comes by, looking at and pronouncing his name. Then comes "Will" only I see the name tag and the "l"s are curled under, so it looks like someone wrote a hasty "u" not connecting the bottom of the letter. "Wiu?" I say. He looks at me like I'm nuts. I look at his nametag again, "Wu?"

"This is not happening," he says.

"Oh my god! You're name's Will! So sorry," (I wear contacts, but they are the wrong prescription, so it makes it hard to read things anyway).

I must add that the man is asian.

"Wow," he says, "this is totally not going to work out."

I turned bright red, it was a totally honest mistake, I SWEAR I thought it said Wiu even before I looked at him, you only have two minutes so you have to write down the name fast and then shake hands and talk.

I felt so embarrassed.

Fortunately, he came over during the break to say hi and have a further conversation, but I was so mortified I didn't "pick" him when it came time to enter our choices.

Then, I see K. talking to MD (a doctor). My god! That guy was at the last one and I could tell he really liked me and now I'm going to have to see him and he obviously knows I didn't pick him. I wave K. frantically over. She hasn't met anyone she likes so far either.

Bell rings and we're back in class, session 2. MD comes over, "you know, I thought about you after the last speed dating." oh no!

Anyhow, MD is a super smart Indian doctor who went to harvard and seems very nice (the opposite of who I go out with generally: usually I prefer alcoholics who treat me like crap). Um, so I picked him when the choice time came, why not? He's not bad looking and maybe he'll be more interesting than I thought. So, I'll keep everyone posted on that...

Enforced vacation

So, unfortunately, I will be MIA for the next few weeks as I have a personal matter to attend to. No dates will be occurring, I will say that my First Boyfriend (FB) from high school is being super nice and calling me, but we have no interest in each other. My parents think we are going to get married because we have known each other since we were 15 and clearly if we are still communicating we must be in love. This is absolutely, 100% delusional. He has told me he'd rather die alone that marry me and I feel similarly. Otherwise, he would be the the perfect boyfriend/husband: handsome, super intelligent, good job, very kind, not a cheater, thinks I'm gorgeous. Why do I not like this guy?!

Interlude (date 15): royalty

So tomorrow I have a "young alumni" event. Ugh. Not sure I can make it due to some other things I care not to discuss. Still, I feel like I should go. I also want to see my friend S. I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow.

Also, a prelude. Before this "bloject" started I had had I date about two days before, so I didn't count it (rules are rules, even if we don't seem to be able to follow them, we're all trying). Anyway, I met him at a speed dating event (same one where I met "the intellectual"). He is pretty cute, and seems smart. British as well. I like British men generally. They tend to treat women very well. Has a new job that requires him to work a LOT. Anyway, we had various things in common so we "picked" each other at the speed dating event. For our date he invited me to little bar near nyu. Nice, been there before...a little small, and a little open. Bought me a glass of wine (ah, classy!) and then since the space was a little open we headed to a more "posh" place down the street. There I had two glasses of chardonnay and we shared a bunch of tasty appetizers (I hadn't eaten, he paid). We talked and I actually succumbed to doing something I've never really done before: gotten purposefully drunk so that I could just talk and not think about things much, you know grease the social wheels. I have always thought this was a detestable thing to do, but I was feeling sad about my recent ex and thought, I better just make this a little easier on myself.

Anyhow, it worked. I even tried "flirting". I can really easily flirt with people I like, but usually I get to know them and THEN I flirt. But when you're "dating" you kind of have to throw in some flirt-moves without being sure if you're actually really attracted to the person. Anyway, that worked, too. Like I said, he's pretty cute, so it wasn't hard, it's just that I really am attracted to personality more than looks (with one serious exception: my Evil Ex, a story for another time). The conversation was not bad and he asked me a lot about myself and what I did and what I was interested in. Fascinatingly, his father is a major player in my field of study, so he's kind of higher-education royalty. Interestingly again, he has entirely revolted against his liberal, doctorate-toting, book-publishing father and gone entirely in the other direction, except I think he's still pretty liberal (phew).

A few things were sort of red flags. I'm trying to take note of these things early because I have noticed that when I break up with someone it often is for some reason that I could have easily discerned early on. So here is the red flag list:

1) he said he was lazy. Now, is this posturing, trying to seem cool, or is he actually lazy? Laziness is not a good quality.

2) he detests england. who detests england?!

3) he mentioned his ex about 3 times. apologized for it, but.....

4) he mentioned that he was well-off and had a nice apt central manhattan. is this just stating the facts and trying to get me to like him and he's a bit insecure OR is he arrogant? Arrogance is a TERRIBLE quality.

Okay, that's it.

On the white flag list:

1) cute

2) nice

3) gentlemanly (walked me to subway, paid for food)

4) reads a lot

5) seems all-around good. as midtown girl said (she met him at the speed dating event): "I think he's a catch!" possibly.

Soooo, long story short, he emailed after the date saying that he went to an art show that I had recommended and he liked it and then we could see each other or not. my choice. Um, strange...didn't know what to do with that, so I said, "we can do something if you'd like" then he went away, I was busy, he was busy, I went away, but we exchanged some emails and yesterday he said he really wants to do something, but probably not this week because he is, well, busy. I actually believe him because he job is at a startup company and also he really could have dropped the whole things by now. No need for endless emails...boring. SO, the summation of this story is that I will definitely go out with him again IF we can both manage to find time. Maybe midtown girl is right!

Date 14: The networking event

Went to an alumni mixer tonight. Well, an alumni "networking" event. What is it that people have in common with other people who went to their school? I don't know, the likelihood of me meeting someone in my profession is slim, like infrathin, but nevertheless, I was fearless and went head on in. So, I'm going to count this as a date because alumni events are ipso facto dating events if you are single. Was that the right usage of "ipso facto"? not sure, but I've always wanted to use it in text. Also, it counts as a date because I got all dressed up and even curled my hair and wore my sticky lipgloss. Anytime I deviate from my regimen of studying, working, and eating, to go out and try to meet a guy, it counts as a date. Per usual, the entire way there I kept thinking to myself "I really don't want to do this. I really don't. I'd rather be at home. Home is so much better than this! I can study and watch tv simultaneously!" So I pretty much dragged myself to it.

Anyway, I did meet three lovely men. One of the men was from Tokyo and did not speak English that well, at least pronunciation-wise but was quite nice otherwise...is doing a phd in neuroscience. impressive. I approve. The second guy was swiss and also spoke very poor english, I wanted to attempt to speak french to him (his native language) but I didn't want to risk doing an even worse job with his language than he was doing with mine. anyways, he was very cute and is doing a phd in chemical engineering at the same prestigious university that my "intellectual" date teaches at. very impressive. i approve. the third guy was british and is a lawyer. I thought he was pretty nice, although when another girl (one of the two I met) came by he quickly moved from speaking to me to speaking to her, leaving me, not holding the chicken, but a plate of cold tortellini. I awkwardly spooned seafood salad (ew) onto my plate (always be doing something, regardless of whether you end up with a plate of octopus [side note: never eat octopus, they are smarter than your dog]), and then introduced myself to some other people. why not? Gave all involved my business card. the lawyer on his way out insisted we go for hot chocolate some time. I approve. Let's see if he follows through. None of these people sparked with me though. got caught in terrible downpour on the way to the subway.

Interestingly, when I got off the subway, my giant giant umbrella broke so that the handle extended really far as I was walking, so basically the umbrella handle became about 5 feet long...don't ask how this occurred I have no idea. As I was walking, the handle suddenly extended almost tripping the guy behind me, except instead of being annoyed like a typical new yorker, as I was apologizing profusely I looked up and there is this gorgeous blond tall skinny guy with glasses cracking up. He says: "oh my! That was fantastic! Your umbrella is like a clown's umbrella!" I stammer, of course, b/c I can't act cool...ever. "um, yes, it's, um broken." I get out. "That makes my subway ride! what a great way to end it!" he smiles, and I say "It's broken." And he kind of looks at me like he wants to continue talking to me (meanwhile we are walking and I am dragging the huge umbrella behind me) and I can't decide whether to abandon the umbrella and follow this lovely man or try to fix it. Being the dating genius that I am, I stopped to attempt to fix it. And I couldn't, so I totally blew that. Missed connections anyone? Went to grocery store and picked up: garbage bags, small garbage bags, pop, and pop tarts. How very not-grown-up of me. Must stop eating crap, but they are brown-sugar cinnamon!

Anyway, feeling very melancholy this weekend.

Kind of realized my heart is still a little broken. Also having an upset stomach, I don't want to admit it, but it's probably related. Also having extreme insomnia due to overthinking about pretty much everything. tomorrow...